May 8th, 1987

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Escape

I took the day off today because it was much too beautiful outside to stay in. Part of me feels guilty for lying to my boss about being sick but this felt necessary. So, I hopped in my car this morning and decided to drive to Halifax on a whim. It’s the advantage of having a reliable car for the first time in my life. Now I’m sitting in a strange city where I am no one and the freedom is intoxicating. The air is still pretty fresh today for May but the sun is out and there are no clouds in the sky. I’m beginning to doubt that my office job has anything real to offer me. I’m not always aware of how stifling the long hours are but now, in contrast with this radical freedom that I’ve stolen for myself today, I’m thinking it might be time I start planning my escape.

April 19th, 2010

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Score One for the Underdog

I just finished my my voice exam and I’m sure it was a disaster. I’ve been pushing myself so much these last few weeks with school and work that I could barely find time to eat or sleep. I am sick and my sinuses were totally blocked, making singing my high notes almost impossible. It’s no big deal at this point, the adjudicators don’t really think much of me already. I’ve got a gig with the band tonight in Fredericton. I know I shouldn’t even be considering going when I’m so sick but playing on stage with the guys is the only little bit of living I have left. Plus playing in Fredericton means I get to see a friend that I’ve been missing terribly this semester. I just hope I can stay awake and still have a good show.

 

ps. This story is true (and my own). The title of the story was also the title of our first full-lenght album. I could always relate.

August 16, 2002

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Lighter

For a long time, I thought this person would be so much more significant than he turned out to be. For several years, I wondered because so much had been left unsaid and we had lost touch. A reunion and then almost another two year absence and here we were again. As he left this morning, I knew that the past three weeks were special and that it would be the last time that we would be more than friends. I thought I would be more sad about this. We got along so well, talking for hours about everything. Maybe we had been apart for too long and I forgot why it hadn’t worked out the first time, all those years back. The fact is, even now, he’s still emotionally unavailable and has nothing more to offer me than a pleasant visit.  Now that he has just left for who knows how long, I’m not sad. After the last three weeks, I have so many beautiful new memories that I’ll cherish for years to come. However, it feels like this is how it ends. The friendship will continue but I’ll never again wonder if it could have become anything more. Now I can move on and I feel so much lighter.

October 27th, 2005

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Unlikely

Sometimes I get caught up in making plans and trying to control the outcome of a situation, forgetting that life still flows in the background whether I’m aware of it or not. A few days ago, a close family friend passed away after a long illness. She was much too young to be done with this life but nothing more could be done. Modern technology and medical advances can only get so far, fighting against fate. It’s a hard lesson to learn, especially when it’s so close to home. At the moment, I’m having a break from tears, thinking about an unlikely reconnection that just happened. I was talking to someone I had just met online and discovered that I had met his dorm mate before. I started chatting with this acquaintance and forgot all about the first person I was talking to. What are the odds? I have to call this fate too. Something I couldn’t possibly have planned even if I had tried. I’ve noticed that in hard times, the universe will send help. This connection brought a ray of sunlight into a very dark situation. I have a good feeling about this guy. It’s too bad he lives in another city for school but he’ll be back to visit during the holidays, I assume. So I’m going to bed tonight with a lighter heart.

 

May 2nd, 2003

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The Big Day

 

The hall is ready and decorated and now I’m just waiting for my appointment with the hairdresser. The rehearsal at the church went well. I think it’ll be a beautiful wedding. I can’t help but feel as thought I’m attending this wedding as a guest. These last few months of planning were strange because I really thought I’d have more of a vision if this event, like the old adage that every woman has been planning their wedding since they were little girls. Whenever people asked my opinion on things, it was stressful because somehow, I couldn’t muster a preference. I wonder if it’s like this for most brides. I love my fiancé very much and I don’t think this is a classic case of cold feet. I just always thought that I would feel something more on a spiritual level. All of this makes sense but I feel a bit numb and mostly overwhelmed on what should be my “Big Day”. I keep thinking, maybe this is like in the Christmas movies where one of the characters is a humbug and everyone conspires to have them rediscover the spirit of Christmas. I think I might need a surprise visit from the Ghosts of Weddings Past, Present and Future before this day is over.

April 9th, 1987

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Coffee Break

I’m at the café again. I had been alone at home all day and as much as I appreciate solitude, eventually it begins to feel like a slow decaying of sanity. At least here at the café, there are other souls about. I don’t talk to anyone except to order my coffee. So small is my need for social interaction that being in the same room as other people will often suffice. I wonder if this is sustainable, this perpetual silence. I never took an oath, I never vowed to stay quiet. How does one pierce through this veil of solitude after so long? How is conversation conceived? I hope I have not been unknowingly sentenced to a an existence without meaningful interaction.

August 14th, 2017

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First

I woke up this morning for the first time in my new apartment. For the first time, I’m living alone in a place that is only mine. It’s sunny out city is already buzzing with activity and I can feel it because my little oasis is at the heart of downtown. The pulse of city life is all around but when I look out my window, it’s all grape vines, tall trees and little birds chirping. I’m almost in disbelief because somehow, it never occurred to me that I could be this independent. I see so many possibilities and so much hope. I’ll make this place inviting for new and old friends. When people walk through my door, they’ll find warmth and love. I haven’t been so excited about a life in a long time.

December 14th, 1996

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Merry Christmas

I’m so happy I can’t sleep! Tonight when I got home from the Étincelles meeting, I was excited to tell mom all about it. As I was telling her how much fun I’d had, she was smiling and looking over next to me. After a minute or two, she said “Look next to you…”. I looked around and screamed! I had been so eager to talk about my night that I never even noticed that there was a piano next to me with a page on it that said “Merry Christmas”. I can’t believe I have a piano now! I was so happy I started crying right away. And now I can’t sleep because I’m too excited to play it tomorrow. This was the best day!!

Timeless

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Still

For a moment, my thoughts are frozen. I lose track of time and I forget where I am. It’s the depth of the eyes that pulls me in, like the stillness at the bottom of a lake. The moment is fleeting and the spell is broken but the energy around me delays the return to ordinary. I find myself speechless because there are no words I can refer to. At that moment, I know I’ve exceeded the limits of modern language. There’s another language though, so subtle it’s often forgotten. Through the eyes, in a momentary gaze, two souls connect and acknowledge each other in silence.

December 19th, 1954

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I’ve been waiting for weeks for this day. Today, I get a kitten! He’s a beautiful little siamese cat with blue eyes. I’ve never had a pet before and this makes me a little nervous. I’m wondering if this little creature will like me. I went to the library to try and learn about cats but it seems ask the books I could find were written for children. I’ve set up a bed, lots of food and a litter box. A couple weeks ago when I went to see him for the first time, I fell in love right away. This sweet little kitten was so shy but when I picked him up, he didn’t squirm or try to get way. I had to wait until he was old enough to be separated from his mother to bring him home. I hope we will be best friends!